tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31925314083730422672011-12-22T04:12:40.114-05:00The worlds greatest collection of Twitter status updatesMr. Leenoreply@blogger.comBlogger151100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3192531408373042267.post-91479124284595176002011-12-06T12:55:00.000-05:002011-12-06T12:55:05.068-05:00

Darth thinks... Darth Vader should of been made to pay back-child support for Luke! Dear 2012, we thought you would have flying cars and robots by now, But congrats anyway on the backwards robes and the rubber bands shaped like animals.Sincerely, 1950 ever ever change your ringtone to an eerie or scary one around halloween because some idiot might call you in the middle of the night while you're

Mr. Leenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3192531408373042267.post-62758537352584173432011-05-21T06:07:00.000-04:002011-05-21T06:07:05.684-04:00

Joshua Reporting from the Rapture: Jesus rides a unicorn and farts double rainbows. You guys are gonna freaking LOVE him Remember Ladies, your body is a temple, not a theme park. I bet all the other animals in the animal kingdom hate dogs because they get credit for the most popular sexual position ever! It's Saturday and I'm single. I should be getting pounded and pleasured. I like to think that

Mr. Leenoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3192531408373042267.post-63233977378182295272010-08-15T23:38:00.002-04:002010-08-21T12:37:13.622-04:00

Justin Bieber (25F37FZN6GBM)... Look at your tweet, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped tweeting about other things, yours could be like mine. says when life brings ya down, get up, punch it in the face, and yell “I’m Chuck Norris!!” I think the best thing about always wearing a clean pair of underwear is you're never really out of coffee filters. You wouldn't think any

Mr. Leenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3192531408373042267.post-47417050771649862482010-07-23T07:40:00.000-04:002010-07-23T07:40:55.417-04:00

BP Public Relations... The good news: Mermaids are real. The bad news: They are now extinct. Safety is our primary concern. Well, profits, then safety. Oh, no- profits, image, then safety, but still- it's right up there. Please DO NOT take or clean any oil you find on the beach. That is the property of British Petroleum and we WILL sue you. What a gorgeous day! The ocean is filled with the most

Mr. Leenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3192531408373042267.post-63408503233252476212010-05-17T21:06:00.000-04:002010-05-17T21:06:49.342-04:00

Name... Had to child-proof the liquor cabinet this weekend because my god is our baby a mean drunk. Big weekend coming up!  My Star Trek club is going to dress as Klingons and ambush some loser Civil War re-enactors. Dear Brain Storming Session facilitator, there IS "such a thing" as a bad idea and inviting me was the first one. Why is there braille on drive-through ATMs. BP has contained the oil

Mr. Leenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3192531408373042267.post-7817386564224855752010-04-24T06:20:00.000-04:002010-04-24T06:20:27.711-04:00

NAME... I'd like to know the series of events leading up to the first guy discovering cows had milk in them My old English teacher has 26 followers on Twitter. Karma's a bitch, sucka. If using multiple adjectives, put them in increasing order of awesomeness: "the blue, Italian, rocket-propelled, monkey-piloted dirtbike." I can't yell "Get a room!" at couples frenching. Instead, I opt for, "Close

Mr. Leenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3192531408373042267.post-52905457672611337812010-03-28T00:38:00.000-04:002010-03-28T00:38:53.190-04:00

Name... I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers. If you don't stack the plates so the patterns on them align, then how do you make the tormenting, screaming demons in your head go away? To Do: Paint house door with lamb's blood so the Easter bat won't fly in and eat the Jesus eggs. He's snoring so loud I can barely

Mr. Leenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3192531408373042267.post-31369478903607479742010-02-11T06:22:00.000-05:002010-02-11T06:22:06.941-05:00

Tweet Life would probably be easier if I were atleast good at things Why do they call it a happy meal if it tastes like a whole lot like depression. Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone! I used one to breakup Nickelback! You're welcome! All you need is love and Valentine's Day is the perfect time to buy lots of things to prove it. I'm being forced to attend a scrap-book party. On the positive

Mr. Leenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3192531408373042267.post-10228432602483805142009-12-29T10:04:00.000-05:002009-12-29T10:04:34.337-05:00

Tweet I'm not falling again for the 5-year-old's "eat some spaghetti" trick. It's always Play-Doh. But this fried egg looks delicious. Oh, damn. I have serious ethical problems participating in human cloning experiments.. I just couldn't live with myself. Oh, this is my step ladder. My...my real ladder left when I was only 5. I'm watching "The Sound of Music" on TV. For those of you who have

Mr. Leenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3192531408373042267.post-39550662956127129952009-12-19T18:45:00.000-05:002009-12-19T18:45:12.354-05:00

Tweet How to ruin the holidays in 3 words: "It's a Zune!" I'm at that "pay exorbitant shipping fees and hope for delivery by Christmas" or "convert to Judaism" fork in the road. Dad loved the holidays. He'd wear a Santa beard as a merkin, smoke some mistletoe, and watch White Christmas over and over in stony silence. Much like your inflatable holiday decorations, I look presentable at night but

Mr. Leenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3192531408373042267.post-33297572776621067102009-12-13T00:25:00.000-05:002009-12-13T00:25:43.419-05:00

Tweet Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars It's high time we change the name of the Indian Ocean to Native American Ocean. "Tiger ready to quit golf to save his marriage" - I'm no therapist but I am pretty sure quitting other women would be even more effective. It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for

Mr. Leenoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3192531408373042267.post-49514838558273639462009-12-03T06:45:00.001-05:002009-12-03T06:45:00.310-05:00

Tweet: I like my women the same way I like my coffee: Ground up and stored in the freezer. I MEAN HOT AND STRONG OR SOMETHING. China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch. Miss England has given up her crown after getting into a bar fight. I think this automatically makes her Wow, my neighbors get horrible cell reception under their bed Obama

Mr. Leenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3192531408373042267.post-43346468811330052432009-11-28T06:58:00.000-05:002009-11-28T06:58:24.629-05:00

Tweet: Now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me. Nigeria wants an apology for District 9? Okay, Nigeria, we have a huge apology for you. For transfer, simply wire a small advance fee. 14.9 million Americans are now unemployed. That's a lot of new blogs. Japan's new first lady says aliens once took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also

Mr. Leenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3192531408373042267.post-85792475437647402722009-11-27T21:14:00.000-05:002009-11-27T21:14:54.115-05:00

Sometimes I just wish I had more asses to tell people to kiss. Lord: We're grateful that our families haven't found us on Twitter & that donkeys can't talk. That'd be embarrassing for many of us. Amen. Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it f#%#$ you. Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit

Mr. Leenoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3192531408373042267.post-2185243757070672752009-11-27T16:32:00.001-05:002009-11-27T21:04:18.705-05:00

NAME  is reading other statuses but your status is important to him. Please stay online and your status will be read in priority sequence. Approximate wait time 17 min is very very very slee is right BEHIND YOU! Boo! is going around the house and renaming things so they all start with an "i" before Apple does it... such as his iToaster, his iToilet, and his iKids and iWife.all set... Beer, Golf

Mr. Leenoreply@blogger.com0