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- I'd like to know the series of events leading up to the first guy discovering cows had milk in them
- My old English teacher has 26 followers on Twitter. Karma's a bitch, sucka.
- If using multiple adjectives, put them in increasing order of awesomeness: "the blue, Italian, rocket-propelled, monkey-piloted dirtbike."
- I can't yell "Get a room!" at couples frenching. Instead, I opt for, "Close your curtains!" or, "Make this trellis harder to climb!"
- My favorite words to use during conference calls: saturated, penetrating, hot button, probing and fellatio.
- I'm sending a tweet from inside Twitter HQ. I'll bet those hot girls in high school wish they had slept with me now.
- My wife leaves for girls' night. I go upstairs and put the toilet seat up. Just to remember I can. Then I put it down. I'm not an idiot.
- If you think writing in the proper tense is difficult now, just wait until time travel was possible.
- When a friend from out of town says, "I'm coming out." Make sure they're finished with their sentence before you say, "I knew you were gay."
- A crazy woman tried to chase down my car as I left the mall. Maybe it was the previous owner. She looked a lot like the baby in the backseat
- I told you officer, I cut the ass out of the gorilla suit because they don't sell baboon costumes....I don't know who crapped on your car.
- No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight.
- Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back.
- Sometimes for laughs, I slip condoms into the carts of little old ladies at the grocery store and then watch for the checker's reaction.
- When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.
- There are very, very few things it's OK to say to someone at the next urinal. "You must take vitamins" is not one of them.
- Check it out! I'm texting while bicycli%#*
Name...
- I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.
- If you don't stack the plates so the patterns on them align, then how do you make the tormenting, screaming demons in your head go away?
- To Do: Paint house door with lamb's blood so the Easter bat won't fly in and eat the Jesus eggs.
- He's snoring so loud I can barely hear myself plotting his death.
- I'm just a regular guy, putting on my Capri pants 3/4 leg at a time.
- "I don't even own a TV" no longer impresses me. Talk to me when you've transcended the toilet.
- Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirty pirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.
- How much money would it take to buy the song Fireflies and lock it up, never to be heard again? Because that's how much I want.
- How is English not considered a Romantic language? "Boobs"? Helloooooo?
- Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.
