Tweet:
- Now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me.
- Nigeria wants an apology for District 9? Okay, Nigeria, we have a huge apology for you. For transfer, simply wire a small advance fee.
- 14.9 million Americans are now unemployed. That's a lot of new blogs.
- Japan's new first lady says aliens once took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one.
- I hopped out of bed this morning like Fred Astaire. Or anyone else, really, who has been dead for 20 years.
- Half of the appeal of staying up late is the total absence of morning people.
- A conference call is like a bus ride. I want it to end as quickly as possible, preferably with nobody talking to me.
- With professor Gates off to have a beer with Obama, now would be the perfect time to break into his house.
- I had this really kinky girlfriend once; finally I just had to tell him it was time we started peeing on other people.
- First Rule of Turkey Club: Bacon, lettuce and tomato
- Sometimes I just wish I had more asses to tell people to kiss.
- Lord: We're grateful that our families haven't found us on Twitter & that donkeys can't talk. That'd be embarrassing for many of us. Amen.
- Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it f#%#$ you.
- Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.
- Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again.
- Don't you hate it when time travelers from the future want a photo with you but then refuse to say why they're laughing?
- My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
- Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.
- It's Canada Day Eve, so I have to leave a jar of maple syrup at the window. Otherwise, Céline Dion comes in the night and eats your eyes.
- I would watch a show called "So You Think You Can Dance When You're Drunk.
