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- I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.
- If you don't stack the plates so the patterns on them align, then how do you make the tormenting, screaming demons in your head go away?
- To Do: Paint house door with lamb's blood so the Easter bat won't fly in and eat the Jesus eggs.
- He's snoring so loud I can barely hear myself plotting his death.
- I'm just a regular guy, putting on my Capri pants 3/4 leg at a time.
- "I don't even own a TV" no longer impresses me. Talk to me when you've transcended the toilet.
- Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirty pirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.
- How much money would it take to buy the song Fireflies and lock it up, never to be heard again? Because that's how much I want.
- How is English not considered a Romantic language? "Boobs"? Helloooooo?
- Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.
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- Life would probably be easier if I were atleast good at things
- Why do they call it a happy meal if it tastes like a whole lot like depression.
- Thanks for the birthday wishes everyone! I used one to breakup Nickelback! You're welcome!
- All you need is love and Valentine's Day is the perfect time to buy lots of things to prove it.
- I'm being forced to attend a scrap-book party. On the positive side I have always wanted my suicide to be well documented on acid-free paper.
- It's really very simple; I will love you unconditionally as long as you just do everything I say.
- So, who is the genius that thought it would be wise to put the back-pain meds on the bottom shelf at Walmart?
- "Let there be coffee!"... and there was coffee.... And coworkers saw that coffee was good... and drank it all, the bastards!
- I'm shocked by the embarrassing things people e-mail their whole department when they leave their workstation unlocked.
- When playing "Got your nose," make sure the victim is 1) willing to play, 2) that you're not at a urinal and 3) that it's their nose.
