Funny Bizarre Tweets

Justin Bieber (25F37FZN6GBM)...

1. Look at your tweet, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped tweeting about other things, yours could be like mine.
2. says when life brings ya down, get up, punch it in the face, and yell “I’m Chuck Norris!!”
3. I think the best thing about always wearing a clean pair of underwear is you're never really out of coffee filters.
4. You wouldn't think any of my tweets were funny if you knew how many pedestrians I injured while writing them.
5. remember everyone has a hot cousin...  Find yours now at ancestry.com
6. If I were God for a day, I'd make Abe Vigoda adopt Dakota Fanning and then laugh at the resulting name. And then go to a strip club.
7. Clowns aren't scary. One has been staring at me from the cemetery next door, but I can't stop giggling at the balloon chainsaw he's making.
8. Say what you will about Starbucks, but I like having a place to go where I can be certain I'm not the most pretentious person in the room.
9. I bet childhood obesity rates in Hidden Valley are completely off the charts.
10. In our house it really should be called a cooking detector.
11. Dress to make a statement! For example, a sports jacket & t-shirt says "I'm a hobo who found this jacket in a dumpster."

Funny BP Gulf of Mexico Disaster Tweets

BP Public Relations...

1. The good news: Mermaids are real. The bad news: They are now extinct.
2. Safety is our primary concern. Well, profits, then safety. Oh, no- profits, image, then safety, but still- it's right up there.
3. Please DO NOT take or clean any oil you find on the beach. That is the property of British Petroleum and we WILL sue you.
4. What a gorgeous day! The ocean is filled with the most beautiful rainbows! #yourewelcome
5. This mess would be a lot easier to clean up if we were allowed to use slaves. #justsayin
6. We're #1! We're #1! We're #1! In your face IXTOC! Biggest Gulf of Mexico spill EVAHHHHH!
7. You didn't hear this from us, but the guys at Shell are terrible racists. #justsayin
8. Now if only we can make a HUGE wedding ring to put on the leak...  That would surely stop it from "putting out".
9. Investing a lot of time & money into cleaning up our image, but the beaches are next on the to-do list for sure.
10. We are not killing animals in the gulf, we are creating fossils in the gulf. Have a little perspective
11. Think locally, act locally- if you don't live near the Gulf of Mexico, get on with your life!