Funny Snarky Twitter Status Updates

1. Sometimes I just wish I had more asses to tell people to kiss.
2. Lord: We're grateful that our families haven't found us on Twitter & that donkeys can't talk. That'd be embarrassing for many of us. Amen.
3. Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it f#%#$ you.
4. Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.
5. Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again.
6. Don't you hate it when time travelers from the future want a photo with you but then refuse to say why they're laughing?
7. My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
8. Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.
9. It's Canada Day Eve, so I have to leave a jar of maple syrup at the window. Otherwise, Céline Dion comes in the night and eats your eyes.
10. I would watch a show called "So You Think You Can Dance When You're Drunk.