- I want to start a women's magazine called "Period". And some months I'll send it out late just to freak out my subscribers.
- If you don't stack the plates so the patterns on them align, then how do you make the tormenting, screaming demons in your head go away?
- To Do: Paint house door with lamb's blood so the Easter bat won't fly in and eat the Jesus eggs.
- He's snoring so loud I can barely hear myself plotting his death.
- I'm just a regular guy, putting on my Capri pants 3/4 leg at a time.
- "I don't even own a TV" no longer impresses me. Talk to me when you've transcended the toilet.
- Despite what everyone says, I don't think your mom is a "dirty pirate whore". She's actually quite clean for a pirate whore.
- How much money would it take to buy the song Fireflies and lock it up, never to be heard again? Because that's how much I want.
- How is English not considered a Romantic language? "Boobs"? Helloooooo?
- Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.
Sunday, March 28, 2010