Saturday, November 28, 2009

Funny Twitter Observation Tweets and Status Updates

  1. Now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me.
  2. Nigeria wants an apology for District 9? Okay, Nigeria, we have a huge apology for you. For transfer, simply wire a small advance fee.
  3. 14.9 million Americans are now unemployed. That's a lot of new blogs.
  4. Japan's new first lady says aliens once took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one.
  5. I hopped out of bed this morning like Fred Astaire. Or anyone else, really, who has been dead for 20 years.
  6. Half of the appeal of staying up late is the total absence of morning people.
  7. A conference call is like a bus ride. I want it to end as quickly as possible, preferably with nobody talking to me.
  8. With professor Gates off to have a beer with Obama, now would be the perfect time to break into his house.
  9. I had this really kinky girlfriend once; finally I just had to tell him it was time we started peeing on other people.
  10. First Rule of Turkey Club: Bacon, lettuce and tomato

Friday, November 27, 2009

Funny Snarky Twitter Status Updates

  1. Sometimes I just wish I had more asses to tell people to kiss.
  2. Lord: We're grateful that our families haven't found us on Twitter & that donkeys can't talk. That'd be embarrassing for many of us. Amen.
  3. Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it f#%#$ you.
  4. Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.
  5. Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again.
  6. Don't you hate it when time travelers from the future want a photo with you but then refuse to say why they're laughing?
  7. My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
  8. Wishing your pets could talk is fun until you remember everything you've ever done in front of your pets.
  9. It's Canada Day Eve, so I have to leave a jar of maple syrup at the window. Otherwise, CĂ©line Dion comes in the night and eats your eyes.
  10. I would watch a show called "So You Think You Can Dance When You're Drunk.

Miscellaneous Funny Twitter Status Updates

  1. is reading other statuses but your status is important to him. Please stay online and your status will be read in priority sequence. Approximate wait time 17 min
  2. is very very very slee
  3. is right BEHIND YOU! Boo!
  4. is going around the house and renaming things so they all start with an "i" before Apple does it... such as his iToaster, his iToilet, and his iKids and iWife.all set...
  5. Beer, Golf Clubs, Fising Rods, Tackle, shades, Tunes... Casual Fridays here I come!
  6. is the guy who put the laughter in manslaughter
  7. is to sexy for this status
  8. is bringing sexy back... to the store for a refund!
  9. is hip to your jive talk
  10. is dy-no-mite
  11. is wondering what will happen if he touches the red wire with the green wir#*&GB
  12. put the FUN in dysfunctional
  13. is an undercover cop
  14. is calculating pi
  15. is America's next top model!
  16. is updating his Twitter status