Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Some More Assorted Funny Twitter Status Updates

Darth thinks...

  1. Darth Vader should of been made to pay back-child support for Luke!
  2. Dear 2012, we thought you would have flying cars and robots by now, But congrats anyway on the backwards robes and the rubber bands shaped like animals.Sincerely, 1950
  3. ever ever change your ringtone to an eerie or scary one around halloween because some idiot might call you in the middle of the night while you're in a deep sleep. On a related note, these stains are going to be difficult to get out of the sheets.
  4. Facebook has allowed me to bring my "He's a distraction to the rest of the class" from grade school to a global scale.
  5. Firefighters recently rescued 2 men from an industrial clothes dryer. The men were listed in stable condition but missing one sock
  6. Fun fact: If you took the skin of an average person and laid it flat, you would have enough to get a pretty serious criminal conviction
  7. Going to dress up as Maury Povich and visit the hospital delivery room telling the guy he is not the father.
  8. Good News: it would be very difficult for someone to break in my house. Bad News: I'm locked out of my house!!
  9. Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
  10. Has decided to write all his statuses in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Rapture Based Funny Twitter Status Updates

  1. Reporting from the Rapture: Jesus rides a unicorn and farts double rainbows. You guys are gonna freaking LOVE him
  2. Remember Ladies, your body is a temple, not a theme park.
  3. I bet all the other animals in the animal kingdom hate dogs because they get credit for the most popular sexual position ever!
  4. It's Saturday and I'm single. I should be getting pounded and pleasured.
  5. I like to think that the rapture did come, but Macho Man Randy Savage was the only one who proved worthy.
  6. I just stepped on a Lego piece in bare feet and accidentally won a krumping contest.
  7. Good morning. What time does the Rapture start?
  8. Kirsten Dunst looked a lot sadder when I ran out of coke at an Oscar party 5 years ago than at the Von Trier press conference at Cannes...
  9. If at first you don't succeed, fuck it. What's on TV?
  10. Business at Walmart is going to be slow tomorrow. :(
  11. Just found out that on the final episode of Oprah, she chops somebody's head off.
  12. the world ain't ending son, my yogurt expires in 2013
  13. What if Jesus shows up and he's one of those "Stop hitting yourself!!!" guys?
  14. Whenever I see a couple walking around holding hands I have this intense urge to go at them with a chainsaw & cut them a part.
  15. Watch me jab a Capri Sun straw into your femoral artery on the first try
  16. I bet the dinosaurs all died out in the velocirapture.
  17. I've been carbo-loading for the last 30 years or so in case I ever need to go on a 5,000 mile run.
  18. I bet if you play some records by The Carpenters backwards, you can almost hear Karen saying, "I just threw up in my mouth a little bit".