- Darth Vader should of been made to pay back-child support for Luke!
- Dear 2012, we thought you would have flying cars and robots by now, But congrats anyway on the backwards robes and the rubber bands shaped like animals.Sincerely, 1950
- ever ever change your ringtone to an eerie or scary one around halloween because some idiot might call you in the middle of the night while you're in a deep sleep. On a related note, these stains are going to be difficult to get out of the sheets.
- Facebook has allowed me to bring my "He's a distraction to the rest of the class" from grade school to a global scale.
- Firefighters recently rescued 2 men from an industrial clothes dryer. The men were listed in stable condition but missing one sock
- Fun fact: If you took the skin of an average person and laid it flat, you would have enough to get a pretty serious criminal conviction
- Going to dress up as Maury Povich and visit the hospital delivery room telling the guy he is not the father.
- Good News: it would be very difficult for someone to break in my house. Bad News: I'm locked out of my house!!
- Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
- Has decided to write all his statuses in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Saturday, May 21, 2011
- Reporting from the Rapture: Jesus rides a unicorn and farts double rainbows. You guys are gonna freaking LOVE him
- Remember Ladies, your body is a temple, not a theme park.
- I bet all the other animals in the animal kingdom hate dogs because they get credit for the most popular sexual position ever!
- It's Saturday and I'm single. I should be getting pounded and pleasured.
- I like to think that the rapture did come, but Macho Man Randy Savage was the only one who proved worthy.
- I just stepped on a Lego piece in bare feet and accidentally won a krumping contest.
- Good morning. What time does the Rapture start?
- Kirsten Dunst looked a lot sadder when I ran out of coke at an Oscar party 5 years ago than at the Von Trier press conference at Cannes...
- If at first you don't succeed, fuck it. What's on TV?
- Business at Walmart is going to be slow tomorrow. :(
- Just found out that on the final episode of Oprah, she chops somebody's head off.
- the world ain't ending son, my yogurt expires in 2013
- What if Jesus shows up and he's one of those "Stop hitting yourself!!!" guys?
- Whenever I see a couple walking around holding hands I have this intense urge to go at them with a chainsaw & cut them a part.
- Watch me jab a Capri Sun straw into your femoral artery on the first try
- I bet the dinosaurs all died out in the velocirapture.
- I've been carbo-loading for the last 30 years or so in case I ever need to go on a 5,000 mile run.