Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Random Funny Twitter Status Update Tweets

  1. I'm not falling again for the 5-year-old's "eat some spaghetti" trick. It's always Play-Doh. But this fried egg looks delicious. Oh, damn.
  2. I have serious ethical problems participating in human cloning experiments.. I just couldn't live with myself.
  3. Oh, this is my step ladder. My...my real ladder left when I was only 5.
  4. I'm watching "The Sound of Music" on TV. For those of you who have never seen it, it's a musical adaptation of how boring my life is.
  5. It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your nephew's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.
  6. I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.
  7. I put the "ass" in passive aggressive. But you'd know that if you ever bothered to pay attention.
  8. I put the "sex" in dylsexic.
  9. Someday I'll sit down with my grandchildren to watch Airplane and they'll say, "Man, I can't believe they used to let people on planes."
  10. For years she's fed the kids tales about Santa but after I trick them into eating dog treats, I'm the bad parent for betraying their trust.
  11. It takes a big man to admit that his little sister outdrank him last night, so what I'm saying is, I'm really manly.
  12. Playing naked Twister by yourself is no fun...nor was it worth getting oiled up for.
  13. Today I learned two valuable lessons: 1) Petting an animal can lower your heart rate. 2) That animal should not be a wolverine.
  14. "Son, getting $100 for Christmas doesn't make you "rich", but if snorting powdered sugar off Barbie's ass makes you feel rich, as you were."
  15. Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.
  16. And suddenly it's weird to sit on a stranger's lap and ask for free stuff?
  17. I hope that one day I will be mature enough to spell extravaganza without giggling after the first 8 letters.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Funny Christmas Related Tweets


  1. How to ruin the holidays in 3 words: "It's a Zune!"
  2. I'm at that "pay exorbitant shipping fees and hope for delivery by Christmas" or "convert to Judaism" fork in the road.
  3. Dad loved the holidays. He'd wear a Santa beard as a merkin, smoke some mistletoe, and watch White Christmas over and over in stony silence.
  4. Much like your inflatable holiday decorations, I look presentable at night but stay in a crumpled unattractive heap during the day.
  5. My wife just gave me the finger. It's not clear to me which of the birds in the Twelve Days of Christmas it was supposed to represent.
  6. 'Tis the season to pretend that I know people's names & give a damn about their kids.
  7. It sure takes a long time for Alka-Seltzer to dissolve in eggnog.
  8. I'm disappointed in you, Santa. Is that how you talk to every grown man who cries on your lap? ...I'm not happy with mall security either.
  9. Years later, Rudolph discovered he could shoot lasers out his nose. And that's why we lock up mutant reindeer today
  10. But Dad, Don't we usually visit Santa at the mall?" Times are tough son. Now get in the dumpster & sit in his lap, but try not to wake him.
  11. Two Christmas cards today. One from my grandma and the other from her cat. Their handwriting is suspiciously similar
  12. Admittedly I've never been very good at math, but I'm pretty sure that Walmart + holidays + women in mom jeans stuffed in Ugg boots = Hell.
  13. Is their an equivalent to mistletoe except for punching?

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Funny Bizarre Twitter Tweets

  1. Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars
  2. It's high time we change the name of the Indian Ocean to Native American Ocean.
  3. "Tiger ready to quit golf to save his marriage" - I'm no therapist but I am pretty sure quitting other women would be even more effective.
  4. It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.
  5. Excuse me Ma'am, would you like me to taze your shrieking child for you?
  6. I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with body image issues.
  7. Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too.
  8. Shoveling would be much more satisfying if the snow could feel it.
  9. The beauty of this viral campaign will become apparent when one of Tiger's mistresses appears in Playboy with a Nike tattoo on her butt.
  10. So, this 'One Laptop Per Child' thing. Where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Strange and Funny Twitter Status Update Tweets

  1. I like my women the same way I like my coffee: Ground up and stored in the freezer. I MEAN HOT AND STRONG OR SOMETHING.
  2. China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.
  3. Miss England has given up her crown after getting into a bar fight. I think this automatically makes her
  4. Wow, my neighbors get horrible cell reception under their bed
  5. Obama says he doesn't tweet because his thumbs are too clumsy. Which is a polite way of saying he has a real job.
  6. We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid!
  7. I hope Lady Gaga donates her old costumes to homeless shelters. Because that would be hilarious.
  8. Parenting Tip: The new Twilight movie provides an excellent two-hour window for reading your daughter's journal.
  9. Marching bands are actually homeless orchestras. Tragic, really.
  10. A Florida woman gave birth to a baby 9 days early at 9:09 in the morning on 9-9-09. But, get this, 8 lbs. 4 oz. LAME.