- Reporting from the Rapture: Jesus rides a unicorn and farts double rainbows. You guys are gonna freaking LOVE him
- Remember Ladies, your body is a temple, not a theme park.
- I bet all the other animals in the animal kingdom hate dogs because they get credit for the most popular sexual position ever!
- It's Saturday and I'm single. I should be getting pounded and pleasured.
- I like to think that the rapture did come, but Macho Man Randy Savage was the only one who proved worthy.
- I just stepped on a Lego piece in bare feet and accidentally won a krumping contest.
- Good morning. What time does the Rapture start?
- Kirsten Dunst looked a lot sadder when I ran out of coke at an Oscar party 5 years ago than at the Von Trier press conference at Cannes...
- If at first you don't succeed, fuck it. What's on TV?
- Business at Walmart is going to be slow tomorrow. :(
- Just found out that on the final episode of Oprah, she chops somebody's head off.
- the world ain't ending son, my yogurt expires in 2013
- What if Jesus shows up and he's one of those "Stop hitting yourself!!!" guys?
- Whenever I see a couple walking around holding hands I have this intense urge to go at them with a chainsaw & cut them a part.
- Watch me jab a Capri Sun straw into your femoral artery on the first try
- I bet the dinosaurs all died out in the velocirapture.
- I've been carbo-loading for the last 30 years or so in case I ever need to go on a 5,000 mile run.
- I bet if you play some records by The Carpenters backwards, you can almost hear Karen saying, "I just threw up in my mouth a little bit".
