Rapture Based Funny Twitter Status Updates

Joshua

1. Reporting from the Rapture: Jesus rides a unicorn and farts double rainbows. You guys are gonna freaking LOVE him
2. Remember Ladies, your body is a temple, not a theme park.
3. I bet all the other animals in the animal kingdom hate dogs because they get credit for the most popular sexual position ever!
4. It's Saturday and I'm single. I should be getting pounded and pleasured.
5. I like to think that the rapture did come, but Macho Man Randy Savage was the only one who proved worthy.
6. I just stepped on a Lego piece in bare feet and accidentally won a krumping contest.
7. Good morning. What time does the Rapture start?
8. Kirsten Dunst looked a lot sadder when I ran out of coke at an Oscar party 5 years ago than at the Von Trier press conference at Cannes...
9. If at first you don't succeed, fuck it. What's on TV?
10. Business at Walmart is going to be slow tomorrow. :(
11. Just found out that on the final episode of Oprah, she chops somebody's head off.
12. the world ain't ending son, my yogurt expires in 2013
13. What if Jesus shows up and he's one of those "Stop hitting yourself!!!" guys?
14. Whenever I see a couple walking around holding hands I have this intense urge to go at them with a chainsaw & cut them a part.
15. Watch me jab a Capri Sun straw into your femoral artery on the first try
16. I bet the dinosaurs all died out in the velocirapture.
17. I've been carbo-loading for the last 30 years or so in case I ever need to go on a 5,000 mile run.
18. I bet if you play some records by The Carpenters backwards, you can almost hear Karen saying, "I just threw up in my mouth a little bit".