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- I'm not falling again for the 5-year-old's "eat some spaghetti" trick. It's always Play-Doh. But this fried egg looks delicious. Oh, damn.
- I have serious ethical problems participating in human cloning experiments.. I just couldn't live with myself.
- Oh, this is my step ladder. My...my real ladder left when I was only 5.
- I'm watching "The Sound of Music" on TV. For those of you who have never seen it, it's a musical adaptation of how boring my life is.
- It's all fun and games until you notice the *rocket* in your nephew's Lego launchpad came from the drawer in your nightstand.
- I may be a little off base here, but I don't think the point of those personal breathalyzers is trying to beat your old score.
- I put the "ass" in passive aggressive. But you'd know that if you ever bothered to pay attention.
- I put the "sex" in dylsexic.
- Someday I'll sit down with my grandchildren to watch Airplane and they'll say, "Man, I can't believe they used to let people on planes."
- For years she's fed the kids tales about Santa but after I trick them into eating dog treats, I'm the bad parent for betraying their trust.
- It takes a big man to admit that his little sister outdrank him last night, so what I'm saying is, I'm really manly.
- Playing naked Twister by yourself is no fun...nor was it worth getting oiled up for.
- Today I learned two valuable lessons: 1) Petting an animal can lower your heart rate. 2) That animal should not be a wolverine.
- "Son, getting $100 for Christmas doesn't make you "rich", but if snorting powdered sugar off Barbie's ass makes you feel rich, as you were."
- Dude. Go shave your mustache. Just because it looks good on your mother doesn't mean you can wear it well.
- And suddenly it's weird to sit on a stranger's lap and ask for free stuff?
- I hope that one day I will be mature enough to spell extravaganza without giggling after the first 8 letters.
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- How to ruin the holidays in 3 words: "It's a Zune!"
- I'm at that "pay exorbitant shipping fees and hope for delivery by Christmas" or "convert to Judaism" fork in the road.
- Dad loved the holidays. He'd wear a Santa beard as a merkin, smoke some mistletoe, and watch White Christmas over and over in stony silence.
- Much like your inflatable holiday decorations, I look presentable at night but stay in a crumpled unattractive heap during the day.
- My wife just gave me the finger. It's not clear to me which of the birds in the Twelve Days of Christmas it was supposed to represent.
- 'Tis the season to pretend that I know people's names & give a damn about their kids.
- It sure takes a long time for Alka-Seltzer to dissolve in eggnog.
- I'm disappointed in you, Santa. Is that how you talk to every grown man who cries on your lap? ...I'm not happy with mall security either.
- Years later, Rudolph discovered he could shoot lasers out his nose. And that's why we lock up mutant reindeer today
- But Dad, Don't we usually visit Santa at the mall?" Times are tough son. Now get in the dumpster & sit in his lap, but try not to wake him.
- Two Christmas cards today. One from my grandma and the other from her cat. Their handwriting is suspiciously similar
- Admittedly I've never been very good at math, but I'm pretty sure that Walmart + holidays + women in mom jeans stuffed in Ugg boots = Hell.
- Is their an equivalent to mistletoe except for punching?
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- Every time you make a "your mom" joke, I call my mom to check. Most of you are liars
- It's high time we change the name of the Indian Ocean to Native American Ocean.
- "Tiger ready to quit golf to save his marriage" - I'm no therapist but I am pretty sure quitting other women would be even more effective.
- It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more vodka.
- Excuse me Ma'am, would you like me to taze your shrieking child for you?
- I don't buy fat-free milk because I don't want to encourage cows with body image issues.
- Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing that you're smarter than somebody feels pretty good, too.
- Shoveling would be much more satisfying if the snow could feel it.
- The beauty of this viral campaign will become apparent when one of Tiger's mistresses appears in Playboy with a Nike tattoo on her butt.
- So, this 'One Laptop Per Child' thing. Where do I drop off the child and where do I pick up the laptop?
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- I like my women the same way I like my coffee: Ground up and stored in the freezer. I MEAN HOT AND STRONG OR SOMETHING.
- China has blocked Twitter. Now 1.3 billion people will have no idea what I'm having for lunch.
- Miss England has given up her crown after getting into a bar fight. I think this automatically makes her
- Wow, my neighbors get horrible cell reception under their bed
- Obama says he doesn't tweet because his thumbs are too clumsy. Which is a polite way of saying he has a real job.
- We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's stupid!
- I hope Lady Gaga donates her old costumes to homeless shelters. Because that would be hilarious.
- Parenting Tip: The new Twilight movie provides an excellent two-hour window for reading your daughter's journal.
- Marching bands are actually homeless orchestras. Tragic, really.
- A Florida woman gave birth to a baby 9 days early at 9:09 in the morning on 9-9-09. But, get this, 8 lbs. 4 oz. LAME.
